You can think and think about something but there will be no answer. Then you can just follow your heart. My heart is telling me something very strong. My brain will have to figure out if she buys in to it.
I went to Taipei again this past week. I needed a breather from packing and paperwork in China. I needed a break from my relocation. There is just so many things to do, I can't even begin to list it. So many things to track, as well. It's really overwhelming to do it all yourself. My mom wanted to know if I needed her help. But since I'm so busy, I think I should do it myself since I won't be able to talk to her or see her much with all the running around that is required.
My new life is about to begin. It's terrifying, and it's exciting at the same time. I've been away for so long. I hope I can take all the changes.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Trust
When you've lost something so important, how do you find it again? Trusting someone, whether it be your friends, your parents, your siblings, your loved ones... is a kind of love, a kind of vulnerability that you pass on to someone else. It's like putting your heart in their hands, because you trust them. There's different degrees of this, of course, but once you start trusting them a little, it's easier to give them more and more of your trust.
So when there is no trust left, how do you attempt to even start trusting that person again? When they've lied to your face time and time again? How do you know it's sincere, and not just words? And how do you know those actions aren't just actions out of guilt, but really out of regret, and is really an attempt to make things right?
How do you know that it's sincere? It makes me sick, to be honest.
Humans make me sick.
So when there is no trust left, how do you attempt to even start trusting that person again? When they've lied to your face time and time again? How do you know it's sincere, and not just words? And how do you know those actions aren't just actions out of guilt, but really out of regret, and is really an attempt to make things right?
How do you know that it's sincere? It makes me sick, to be honest.
Humans make me sick.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Packed up and ready to go?
The movers came yesterday and helped me box everything up. Xiao Mei and I have been working on categorizing everything several days before so it'd be easier for the movers to pack. I've always known I keep a lot of sentimental crap and this time I really tried hard to throw things away but alas... it was easier to say, "Yeah, just ship that...."
Either way, I found a lot of old pictures, letters, XMAS cards, NY cards, and some gifts. Not sure what to do with those. Sometimes you find old things that used to be so so important to you -- and then one day you find them again and you think, "Ah, well. These have become bad memories." I'm not sure if I should keep the good or chuck it with the bad. It's hard to think that they are important still, especially when the person who gave it to you showed you they weren't important anymore. I guess with all material things it really is up to the person, isn't it. It was only important when it was important to both of you. I also found a bunch of XMAS cards from my cousins. They all sent me cards the first year I was living here, thinking I'd be back. After that, I moved around so much they stopped sending them because they couldn't keep track. haha. Well, that's about to change soon since I'm going home.
I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like after all of this. I don't even know where I'm going to sleep the first night since I have no bed. I guess I'm going to have to borrow a sleeping bag from someone ... also buy a bed ASAP and some pillows. Wow.
Thinking about this -- it's so crazy. I shipped all my boxes (15) and now my apartment is pretty much empty.
All I will have left when I land in the US is 2 suitcases and my laptop. I won't even have a chair in my new bedroom.
What you really only ever have is just yourself.
Life is so crazy.
Either way, I found a lot of old pictures, letters, XMAS cards, NY cards, and some gifts. Not sure what to do with those. Sometimes you find old things that used to be so so important to you -- and then one day you find them again and you think, "Ah, well. These have become bad memories." I'm not sure if I should keep the good or chuck it with the bad. It's hard to think that they are important still, especially when the person who gave it to you showed you they weren't important anymore. I guess with all material things it really is up to the person, isn't it. It was only important when it was important to both of you. I also found a bunch of XMAS cards from my cousins. They all sent me cards the first year I was living here, thinking I'd be back. After that, I moved around so much they stopped sending them because they couldn't keep track. haha. Well, that's about to change soon since I'm going home.
I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like after all of this. I don't even know where I'm going to sleep the first night since I have no bed. I guess I'm going to have to borrow a sleeping bag from someone ... also buy a bed ASAP and some pillows. Wow.
Thinking about this -- it's so crazy. I shipped all my boxes (15) and now my apartment is pretty much empty.
All I will have left when I land in the US is 2 suitcases and my laptop. I won't even have a chair in my new bedroom.
What you really only ever have is just yourself.
Life is so crazy.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Taking things for granted
I've learned many hard lessons about taking things for granted so I don't plan to do that anymore, as much as I can help it. Some things, some people, are in your life for years and years, and you become used to them to assume that they'll be there all the time.
I don't even want to take my Ayi for granted.
Ayi: Are you really leaving?
Me: Yes... I'm sorry but this time it's for real.
Ayi: Ah....
Me: How old is your son now?
Ayi: 16.
Me: Wow... when I met you, he was what, 9?
Ayi: He was 6 or 7!
Me: ....! Really?
Ayi: Yes.... I've been with you for 10 years, Miss.
Oh, I'll miss her. I wonder things like -- how is her life going to be? Will she find a new family to work for that will treat her well? I've thought about hiring different Ayi's before, because sometimes my Ayi will get a little lazy. There was a period of time where she didn't come and didn't want to tell me, because she was afraid I'd be mad. And there was a few months where she was out of it and not doing her job very well.
But I've always given her chances. She's a good person. I know other Ayi's may clean better or be more detailed oriented, but she was always good to me. She really cared for me and looked after me. She was always helpful when I was sick. I'm glad I never doubted her and hired someone else. I'm going to miss her a lot. Mostly because we are friends.
I don't even want to take my Ayi for granted.
Ayi: Are you really leaving?
Me: Yes... I'm sorry but this time it's for real.
Ayi: Ah....
Me: How old is your son now?
Ayi: 16.
Me: Wow... when I met you, he was what, 9?
Ayi: He was 6 or 7!
Me: ....! Really?
Ayi: Yes.... I've been with you for 10 years, Miss.
Oh, I'll miss her. I wonder things like -- how is her life going to be? Will she find a new family to work for that will treat her well? I've thought about hiring different Ayi's before, because sometimes my Ayi will get a little lazy. There was a period of time where she didn't come and didn't want to tell me, because she was afraid I'd be mad. And there was a few months where she was out of it and not doing her job very well.
But I've always given her chances. She's a good person. I know other Ayi's may clean better or be more detailed oriented, but she was always good to me. She really cared for me and looked after me. She was always helpful when I was sick. I'm glad I never doubted her and hired someone else. I'm going to miss her a lot. Mostly because we are friends.
Monday, August 22, 2011
A few weeks left
Went to dinner with Rie tonight. I haven't seen her for a long time. She's such a nice person. I wish I spent more time with her -- but with her work schedule and my work location it was virtually impossible. She took a job that required her to travel to Suzhou at least 1x a week so she's always on a train when I'm free for dinner.
We talked for about four hours today, and finally caught up on everything. I don't know what it is, but when a person cries for you -- it's still kind of shocking. I saw her eyes redden and her tears well up and I thought, "Wow... we don't see each other much but she really cares for me." I have always had some super awesome Japanese friends. Even my Japanese friends in Tokyo -- I may not see them for 1-2 years but when I do, they always have these little goodie bags of things they know I like. Seiko always buys me chocolate or something green. Emi always gives me a postcard of some temple or some picture of something I like. Ide always makes time for me, no matter what. Jun and MoriMori always come see me and hang out no matter how busy they are. It's this Japanese loyalty and action of friendship that I've always treasured and kept so close to my heart. It makes me want to give the world to them. Because the world is too cold these days and it needs all the love it can get. When my friends show me love like that it makes me think the world is such a wonderful place, that people could be so selfless. It makes me always buy them little gifts that I know they love from Shanghai as well. It's not how big or expensive it is, it's the thought that counts. And it's what knowing what will please them, that counts.
Once Seiko got me a little Lilo and Stitch keychain. She told me that she always felt she was Lilo and that I was Stitch. She said I'm a crazy anime character but I always make her so happy.
Man, I miss my friends. I wish I could be around them all the time, everyday.
I think one of my greatest assets, or one of my luckiest things in life is that I really meet some super awesome people.
We talked for about four hours today, and finally caught up on everything. I don't know what it is, but when a person cries for you -- it's still kind of shocking. I saw her eyes redden and her tears well up and I thought, "Wow... we don't see each other much but she really cares for me." I have always had some super awesome Japanese friends. Even my Japanese friends in Tokyo -- I may not see them for 1-2 years but when I do, they always have these little goodie bags of things they know I like. Seiko always buys me chocolate or something green. Emi always gives me a postcard of some temple or some picture of something I like. Ide always makes time for me, no matter what. Jun and MoriMori always come see me and hang out no matter how busy they are. It's this Japanese loyalty and action of friendship that I've always treasured and kept so close to my heart. It makes me want to give the world to them. Because the world is too cold these days and it needs all the love it can get. When my friends show me love like that it makes me think the world is such a wonderful place, that people could be so selfless. It makes me always buy them little gifts that I know they love from Shanghai as well. It's not how big or expensive it is, it's the thought that counts. And it's what knowing what will please them, that counts.
Once Seiko got me a little Lilo and Stitch keychain. She told me that she always felt she was Lilo and that I was Stitch. She said I'm a crazy anime character but I always make her so happy.
Man, I miss my friends. I wish I could be around them all the time, everyday.
I think one of my greatest assets, or one of my luckiest things in life is that I really meet some super awesome people.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Beyonce is Amazing
I never really understood what she meant by this song until recently.
And now I do. Too close to home, Beyonce.
If I Were A Boy lyrics
Songwriters: Carlson, Britney; Gad, Toby; Knowles, Beyonce;
If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
And now I do. Too close to home, Beyonce.
If I Were A Boy lyrics
Songwriters: Carlson, Britney; Gad, Toby; Knowles, Beyonce;
If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
Sunday, June 19, 2011
最近
最近我的生活好奇怪。 我糊里糊涂的，东摸摸，西摸摸，走到现在，都两周了。 我可以的。我没有问题的。 应为我的朋友跟家人的爱，我可努力度过一个非常痛苦，非常非常黑暗的两周，让后我现在已经可以一个人又站起来的。
其实，有一段时间我自己也知道，我自己不愿意面对事实，但是现在我看的清清楚楚了。 我之前的想法是错的。我之前要的不是我应该要的。 我是强的。
The scars of your love
Remind you of Us
They keep me thinking
That we almost had it all
The scars of your love
They leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all
Rollin in the Deep
You had my heart inside your hands
And you played it
To the beat
We could of had it all
其实，有一段时间我自己也知道，我自己不愿意面对事实，但是现在我看的清清楚楚了。 我之前的想法是错的。我之前要的不是我应该要的。 我是强的。
The scars of your love
Remind you of Us
They keep me thinking
That we almost had it all
The scars of your love
They leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all
Rollin in the Deep
You had my heart inside your hands
And you played it
To the beat
We could of had it all
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
I love you all!! You know who you are.
Laugh at stupid jokes. Cry. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Live life, because tomorrow's not guaranteed to anyone.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
我的耐心是有限制的。
I wish some of my friends can see the amazing beauty I see in them...and choose men that can see it too.
真的不懂
我有时候真的不懂男人在想什么。 我也真的不懂为什么他们重是喜欢去追。追追追让后追到了以后，你对他好了以后，他又变的冷漠莫的。 女人的命真苦。我们永远是被追，让后把心给他了以后他又不要了。 我们是做了什么东西去让我们的命这么痛苦啊？ 我搞不懂。
爱也好麻烦。如果我可以控制的话，我会选这一辈子一个人可以过得高高兴兴的，再也不要去爱，在也不要一下幸福，一下伤心。如果我可以的话，我希望我可以就爱我自己，要生孩子的话可以自己生，希望在我脑经里面可以完全把爱这个概念全部灭掉，不知道爱是什么，不需要爱去活得快乐。
我已经不知道我该这么办才好。我就只能慢慢想，慢慢一天一天的过。不管我多么的有耐心，不管我多么的有去爱一个人，我的耐心，我的爱，我能给的东西都有限制的。 如果我的爱是被别人拿去玩的，不是珍惜的，我不会让我自己一直被这样的伤害。
这就是我今天的伤心。为什么我会让别人这样的对付我？
爱也好麻烦。如果我可以控制的话，我会选这一辈子一个人可以过得高高兴兴的，再也不要去爱，在也不要一下幸福，一下伤心。如果我可以的话，我希望我可以就爱我自己，要生孩子的话可以自己生，希望在我脑经里面可以完全把爱这个概念全部灭掉，不知道爱是什么，不需要爱去活得快乐。
我已经不知道我该这么办才好。我就只能慢慢想，慢慢一天一天的过。不管我多么的有耐心，不管我多么的有去爱一个人，我的耐心，我的爱，我能给的东西都有限制的。 如果我的爱是被别人拿去玩的，不是珍惜的，我不会让我自己一直被这样的伤害。
这就是我今天的伤心。为什么我会让别人这样的对付我？
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
It's all in your head
I am doing the work of about 5 people. Those 5 people don't need to do as much work because I do it all for them. I'm tired.
I was talking to a friend today, and he told me that when you miss work, somehow it will fix itself. But when you miss things with your family for work, you will never get that time back.
That is so true. And it scares me so much I'm speechless.
For all these years, I've been looking ahead to what I want to create, what I want to accomplish, what I want to stand for. But I've always forgotten to look back.
I can't wait to start my change. I just need a few more tiny things to come together and I'll finally have righted so many wrongs I've done.
I was talking to a friend today, and he told me that when you miss work, somehow it will fix itself. But when you miss things with your family for work, you will never get that time back.
That is so true. And it scares me so much I'm speechless.
For all these years, I've been looking ahead to what I want to create, what I want to accomplish, what I want to stand for. But I've always forgotten to look back.
I can't wait to start my change. I just need a few more tiny things to come together and I'll finally have righted so many wrongs I've done.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Stomach Pains
Aw man... I just got back from the US on a 13 hour plane ride.... well, 15 hours because we were delayed for an hour or more.... and my stomach felt so strange the entire time. I didn't eat a single thing on the plane. I didn't drink anything as well. I just sat there, deep in my thoughts, sad, happy, hopeful, depressed.... all these emotions at once.
I didn't want to leave but I had to come back and finish some things.
I have to be up super early for the doctor tomorrow, so I need to go to bed. But I felt like writing on blogger recently because I have so many thoughts and no where to put them, no one to talk to. It's easier to just write it down per my convenience. At least the seat next to me was empty, so I got to put my stuff there and stretch my arms and legs out just a little bit more than usual. But otherwise, it was a long, long flight with me staring at all the rows of lights on the ceiling and counting them....
My stomach would cramp up, I'd be miserable for 10-15 minutes, it would go away, I'd continue staring at the ceiling then it'd come back an hour later, I'd cramp up.... I guess it's no ones fault but mine since I'm taking so many different pills lately.
Ah well. Probably shouldn't have mixed an Ambian in there too with everything else.....
I hope when I move permanently back to the US and stick to only greens and healthy food, my stomach will calm down and won't get so nervous. This would help if I also had a lower stress job. I'm sure all of these factors affect my stomach pains... among all the pills I'm taking.
I didn't want to leave but I had to come back and finish some things.
I have to be up super early for the doctor tomorrow, so I need to go to bed. But I felt like writing on blogger recently because I have so many thoughts and no where to put them, no one to talk to. It's easier to just write it down per my convenience. At least the seat next to me was empty, so I got to put my stuff there and stretch my arms and legs out just a little bit more than usual. But otherwise, it was a long, long flight with me staring at all the rows of lights on the ceiling and counting them....
My stomach would cramp up, I'd be miserable for 10-15 minutes, it would go away, I'd continue staring at the ceiling then it'd come back an hour later, I'd cramp up.... I guess it's no ones fault but mine since I'm taking so many different pills lately.
Ah well. Probably shouldn't have mixed an Ambian in there too with everything else.....
I hope when I move permanently back to the US and stick to only greens and healthy food, my stomach will calm down and won't get so nervous. This would help if I also had a lower stress job. I'm sure all of these factors affect my stomach pains... among all the pills I'm taking.
Love
If there was one thing I wish there was a course on, it would be "Love." I've always wondered as a kid why so many people sing songs about it. My mom told me because it was such a mysterious force, and since no one could actually figure it out, they sang songs about it. And because people relate to all the various love songs, it's the most widely sung about topic.
Well, it's also such a painful topic. And a painful experience. Even when I was a kid I thought Love was so amazing, so romantic. I never knew about how hard it was loving someone, or learning how to love someone. I always thought things are supposed to naturally fall into place... like when Ariel the littler mermaid loved a human Prince she got human legs. Simple, right?
But still she had to compromise her entire life for a human. I never noticed that, I just felt, well, she loved him, he loved her, she became a human, they're together! Love is romantic!
Unfortunately, falling in love and being in love is so....so.... hard. It's harder than my job, and my job is already super hard..... It's because there isn't a right way to love anyone. There isn't a formula, and it varies for each relationship. And it's always a compromise between 2 people. Two different people born in different parts of the world and raised with different backgrounds meet one day and fall deeply in love. And that is romantic! Except it doesn't end there... two people learn that they don't like the same foods, they don't listen to the same music, don't have the same friends, but yet they love each other. Then it's learning to compromise and accept each other, and enjoy all their flaws and awesome qualities at the same time.
Another thing I never knew was that in order to love someone long term, that person also has to be your companion, your best friend. I saw something this weekend in a friend's photo album that said, "I didn't marry my lover, I married my best friend." If only I knew that as a kid I wouldn't have spent so many years trying to figure out what love was. I think understanding love as a pre-teen and as a teenager is so warped -- you watch the cartoons and movies and the princesses are always damsels in distress and get saved by knights in shining white armor. Then this day and age all the women save them selves and kick all the men in the balls... which is it?! And love in all those movies never showed how the couple accepted each others flaws... it just mostly focused on passion and infatuation. But that's just the beginning. For it to grow into a deeper love... they need to be able to talk to you about anything, listen to anything you have to say, understand why you say the things to you, start enjoying activities together, start becoming best friends, because how awesome would it be to have a lover who is also your best friend? That's so much fun...!
Well, for either extreme... what makes sense out of everything is that line.... "I didn't marry my lover, I married my best friend." Wish I knew that in high school -- Cinderella and her Prince just met each other once and fell in love... I bet she didn't know he picks his nose and leaves all the lights on, and doesn't like washing the dishes.....
Love is so painful and beautiful at the same time. I'm so sad yet hopeful. I just hope I can take it, and withstand all of this. My heart has got a ton of bandages and tape over it, it's more fragile and it bursts a bit easier than other ones....
Well, it's also such a painful topic. And a painful experience. Even when I was a kid I thought Love was so amazing, so romantic. I never knew about how hard it was loving someone, or learning how to love someone. I always thought things are supposed to naturally fall into place... like when Ariel the littler mermaid loved a human Prince she got human legs. Simple, right?
But still she had to compromise her entire life for a human. I never noticed that, I just felt, well, she loved him, he loved her, she became a human, they're together! Love is romantic!
Unfortunately, falling in love and being in love is so....so.... hard. It's harder than my job, and my job is already super hard..... It's because there isn't a right way to love anyone. There isn't a formula, and it varies for each relationship. And it's always a compromise between 2 people. Two different people born in different parts of the world and raised with different backgrounds meet one day and fall deeply in love. And that is romantic! Except it doesn't end there... two people learn that they don't like the same foods, they don't listen to the same music, don't have the same friends, but yet they love each other. Then it's learning to compromise and accept each other, and enjoy all their flaws and awesome qualities at the same time.
Another thing I never knew was that in order to love someone long term, that person also has to be your companion, your best friend. I saw something this weekend in a friend's photo album that said, "I didn't marry my lover, I married my best friend." If only I knew that as a kid I wouldn't have spent so many years trying to figure out what love was. I think understanding love as a pre-teen and as a teenager is so warped -- you watch the cartoons and movies and the princesses are always damsels in distress and get saved by knights in shining white armor. Then this day and age all the women save them selves and kick all the men in the balls... which is it?! And love in all those movies never showed how the couple accepted each others flaws... it just mostly focused on passion and infatuation. But that's just the beginning. For it to grow into a deeper love... they need to be able to talk to you about anything, listen to anything you have to say, understand why you say the things to you, start enjoying activities together, start becoming best friends, because how awesome would it be to have a lover who is also your best friend? That's so much fun...!
Well, for either extreme... what makes sense out of everything is that line.... "I didn't marry my lover, I married my best friend." Wish I knew that in high school -- Cinderella and her Prince just met each other once and fell in love... I bet she didn't know he picks his nose and leaves all the lights on, and doesn't like washing the dishes.....
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Tai Chi is good for the soul
I've been taking Tai Chi on and off for a few months, only because I feel like I need to calm down my Chi and get it to circulate better. Some people don't believe Chinese Wushu has anything to do with Chi, but I think it does. To get a better peace of mind, I decided to look into Tai Chi sword.
Usually I take Long Fist or Straight Sword during my classes, but I saw a Tai Chi sword class and it didn't look bad. And since I've taken Wushu for several years, I was looking at the Sifu and he definitely knows his stuff. So I ventured in there today and w00t! I really loved it! Not only that, but he was pretty happy to get a student who knows Wushu, so he sped up some of the forms and also taught me Tai Chi Fan. I love Tai Chi Fan. It's faster than Tai Chi Sword or Fist, and it has some of the powerful Wushu moves in there. Loves it. I'm hoping that taking these classes will help me in my main Wushu class. I've been working hard on getting back some more flexibility.
I think I'll be going back.
The funny thing is the Sifu said, "I could tell when you walked in that you have studied Wushu before. I can always tell who has been trained and who is completely new."
Yay!!!!! That motivates me to keep working harder on being healthy and focusing my energy and concentration. I have so much stress lately that I need to focus all of that energy somewhere, so that I can remove it from my daily life.... or at least let it out all at once. Stress is toxic, you know. There is one Chinese girl in there that's pretty good, but it's because she memorized the entire 40 moves. I'll memorize it over time and I'm hoping with my background I can get my techniques better because they look like they're going through movements. I want to look like I'm really doing Tai Chi Kung Fu, not just going through the poses. Otherwise, all my years of practicing would have gone to waste.
Usually I take Long Fist or Straight Sword during my classes, but I saw a Tai Chi sword class and it didn't look bad. And since I've taken Wushu for several years, I was looking at the Sifu and he definitely knows his stuff. So I ventured in there today and w00t! I really loved it! Not only that, but he was pretty happy to get a student who knows Wushu, so he sped up some of the forms and also taught me Tai Chi Fan. I love Tai Chi Fan. It's faster than Tai Chi Sword or Fist, and it has some of the powerful Wushu moves in there. Loves it. I'm hoping that taking these classes will help me in my main Wushu class. I've been working hard on getting back some more flexibility.
I think I'll be going back.
The funny thing is the Sifu said, "I could tell when you walked in that you have studied Wushu before. I can always tell who has been trained and who is completely new."
Yay!!!!! That motivates me to keep working harder on being healthy and focusing my energy and concentration. I have so much stress lately that I need to focus all of that energy somewhere, so that I can remove it from my daily life.... or at least let it out all at once. Stress is toxic, you know. There is one Chinese girl in there that's pretty good, but it's because she memorized the entire 40 moves. I'll memorize it over time and I'm hoping with my background I can get my techniques better because they look like they're going through movements. I want to look like I'm really doing Tai Chi Kung Fu, not just going through the poses. Otherwise, all my years of practicing would have gone to waste.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Leah Dizon - Result
So I've always felt I'm pretty good at predicting trends in pop-culture and also the fate of artists. I don't know why, but for some reason I've always been good at seeing where the real talent lies. I am pretty good at reading people, or at least reading charisma, and when I watch someone in movies, on stage, live performances, or concerts, I have a pretty good idea how far they'll go. In my next life, I think I would make a really great casting director. I think that job would be the perfect job for me.
Anyway, so about Leah Dizon. Not sure if anyone actually knows who is she anymore, but shes a Chinese-Filipino + French (white) Mix. Born in Las Vegas, very American, and grew up modeling at car shows... wait, I mean, "modeling" at car shows. She hung out with mostly Asians/Filipinos, and this meant a lot of club promotions, Asian import car shows, a lot of photobook car modeling, which lead to some pretty revealing pictures on her website. Her claim to fame was the latter. Because she looked just like a doll, the Japanese Otaku men loved it. She had millions of downloads from Japan, and some of her fans told her to go to Tokyo and try to find a career. Which she did. Which made her even more famous.
Here's the thing. Japanese people LOVE doll-like women. In fact, the preference of this paternalistic society is submissive, quiet, doll-like obedient women. I'm not going to get into why this is, it would take too long of an explanation and I would just tell you to go read "Setting of the Sun" if you really want to know. But yes, Japanese men, and Japanese society overall, love, love, LOVE girls like look porcelain. And Leah Dizon is a perfect porcelain doll... just Asian enough to pass as a half-Japanese, with full lips.
Anyway. There's way more revealing ones on the web, just google it. So needless to say, you could wonder a bit at her priorities in life.... But whatever the case, she came to Japan, made a few photobooks, sold millions of copies, and landed herself a singing contract. She came out with an album, the songs sucked except for 1 (imo) but her MV's were entertaining. She's not super crappy at dancing (considering she's American and has most definitely clubbed quite a bit) and shes got average charisma, and she was still young and attractive (21/22) so she had pretty much all that she could going for her. This was the only song I thought was decent:
And so.... she got so popular that she even performed on Kokahu (horrible singing, was off-tune). Moving on, she announced she got pregnant. And back then I am pretty sure I made a bet with a friend that she was going to end up marrying him, he was going to cheat and divorce her within a year, and she was going to be a big has-been nobody and forced to move back to the US. And... guess what happened:
From Wikipedia:
In a September 26, 2008 blog post on her official website, she announced that she was engaged to Bun (分),[18][19] a Japanese stylist whom she had met while shooting "Love Paradox" seven months before. Additionally, she wrote that she was expecting her first child in late April of the following year on her official website.[20] On October 10, 2008, while Dizon was three months pregnant, the couple married in a traditional Japanese ceremony.[21][22] These initial stages were chronicled and announced during her Communication!!! Album Tourseveral days after the marriage. Dizon was quoted as saying, "I have important news to tell you. I have actually got married! I'm pregnant, too. My family and I are very happy. Now, I think they'll have a lot of difficulties and changes. Of course, it is a little scary. But also, I am interested and looking forward to beginning a new life."[23] The couple's daughter, Mila (美蘭 Mira), was born on April 24, 2009.[24][25] On February 14, 2010, Dizon appeared on live television and discussed making cookies for Bun. Subsequently, she confessed that their relationship had been aversive ever since the birth. That same month, she was featured in a spread for Glamourous Magazine, where she discussed motherhood and her hopes to return to the entertainment industry. It was her first magazine cover in nearly two years.[26][27] On October 30, 2010, she confirmed news reports that she and Bun had separated and filed for divorce earlier that month, and she is currently seeking full custody of their daughter. According to Dizon, the split was due to "busy schedules and inability to meet regularly differing opinions toward raising children" alongside "irreconcilable differences".[28][29] According to a statement released on February 22, 2011 by Dizon's agency, Dizon received full custody of their daughter Mila and details of their arrangement were private. The divorce was finalized in December 2010. Dizon currently resides in New York City with Mila, where she is taking acting classes. Dizon has stated that she would like to return to Japan for work in the future.[30][31][32]
I wish I remember who I made that bet with and how much money I bet, because it was soooo obvious, like lightening hitting a huge tree, that her career was over. First of all, when media asks your finance whats the best part that he loves about you, and he says, "Your Ass," that's a big sign that he probably doesn't give a shit about you. And too bad it was bad management from whomever was managing her (I'm assuming her parents, because if you look at how they let her wildly do so many car shows and wear such revealing clothes at a young age) they probably didn't steer her in the right direction or give her a good teaching on values.
No matter what, anyone with half a brain could have seen that it was over. First off.... it's hard for talented Japanese people in Japan to even break through the industry. BoA is super talented and as a Korean, it's still hard for her to maintain her popularity. And she's a superb dancer, an above average singer, quite pretty, and very charismatic. And fluent in Japanese. So.... if it's hard for her... how hard is it going to be for a 22 year old, non-Japanese, intermediate Japanese speaker with hoey pictures to make it in Japan? Her popularity in Japan would have been at most 3-4 years before people got tired of her -- she just doesn't have much to offer besides her looks. And, she does not age well. Perhaps it's the white part of her, but in some pictures you can already see her aging at 22.
So I guess in the end, it doesn't matter what she could have done to save her career because it was basically just a good 15 minutes of fame. Had she aborted the child, she could have stayed in Japan awhile longer, got better at Japanese, and made another album. But then she would have still aged, her voice wouldn't have gotten that much better, and she wouldn't have enough of an understanding of Japan, Japanese people, Japanese culture, or have a good enough command of Japanese for her to even be a sub-host on a variety show. I guess it's a dead end, one just would have probably made her more money. The uphill battle in the end is way too steep for her since she's only mildly talented, with 75% of her luck being her appearance.
Well that's all I have to say about that. Mostly... I called it.
Anyway, so about Leah Dizon. Not sure if anyone actually knows who is she anymore, but shes a Chinese-Filipino + French (white) Mix. Born in Las Vegas, very American, and grew up modeling at car shows... wait, I mean, "modeling" at car shows. She hung out with mostly Asians/Filipinos, and this meant a lot of club promotions, Asian import car shows, a lot of photobook car modeling, which lead to some pretty revealing pictures on her website. Her claim to fame was the latter. Because she looked just like a doll, the Japanese Otaku men loved it. She had millions of downloads from Japan, and some of her fans told her to go to Tokyo and try to find a career. Which she did. Which made her even more famous.
Here's the thing. Japanese people LOVE doll-like women. In fact, the preference of this paternalistic society is submissive, quiet, doll-like obedient women. I'm not going to get into why this is, it would take too long of an explanation and I would just tell you to go read "Setting of the Sun" if you really want to know. But yes, Japanese men, and Japanese society overall, love, love, LOVE girls like look porcelain. And Leah Dizon is a perfect porcelain doll... just Asian enough to pass as a half-Japanese, with full lips.
Additionally, all the past super popular stars in Japan have similar features. Namie Amuro, Hamasaki Ayumi, the girls of MoMusu --- etc. Everyone looks like cute dolls.
I'm not going to say too much about her past or her personality because I don't know it, but these are the pictures that got her famous in the US and in Japan initially:
Anyway. There's way more revealing ones on the web, just google it. So needless to say, you could wonder a bit at her priorities in life.... But whatever the case, she came to Japan, made a few photobooks, sold millions of copies, and landed herself a singing contract. She came out with an album, the songs sucked except for 1 (imo) but her MV's were entertaining. She's not super crappy at dancing (considering she's American and has most definitely clubbed quite a bit) and shes got average charisma, and she was still young and attractive (21/22) so she had pretty much all that she could going for her. This was the only song I thought was decent:
And so.... she got so popular that she even performed on Kokahu (horrible singing, was off-tune). Moving on, she announced she got pregnant. And back then I am pretty sure I made a bet with a friend that she was going to end up marrying him, he was going to cheat and divorce her within a year, and she was going to be a big has-been nobody and forced to move back to the US. And... guess what happened:
From Wikipedia:
In a September 26, 2008 blog post on her official website, she announced that she was engaged to Bun (分),[18][19] a Japanese stylist whom she had met while shooting "Love Paradox" seven months before. Additionally, she wrote that she was expecting her first child in late April of the following year on her official website.[20] On October 10, 2008, while Dizon was three months pregnant, the couple married in a traditional Japanese ceremony.[21][22] These initial stages were chronicled and announced during her Communication!!! Album Tourseveral days after the marriage. Dizon was quoted as saying, "I have important news to tell you. I have actually got married! I'm pregnant, too. My family and I are very happy. Now, I think they'll have a lot of difficulties and changes. Of course, it is a little scary. But also, I am interested and looking forward to beginning a new life."[23] The couple's daughter, Mila (美蘭 Mira), was born on April 24, 2009.[24][25] On February 14, 2010, Dizon appeared on live television and discussed making cookies for Bun. Subsequently, she confessed that their relationship had been aversive ever since the birth. That same month, she was featured in a spread for Glamourous Magazine, where she discussed motherhood and her hopes to return to the entertainment industry. It was her first magazine cover in nearly two years.[26][27] On October 30, 2010, she confirmed news reports that she and Bun had separated and filed for divorce earlier that month, and she is currently seeking full custody of their daughter. According to Dizon, the split was due to "busy schedules and inability to meet regularly differing opinions toward raising children" alongside "irreconcilable differences".[28][29] According to a statement released on February 22, 2011 by Dizon's agency, Dizon received full custody of their daughter Mila and details of their arrangement were private. The divorce was finalized in December 2010. Dizon currently resides in New York City with Mila, where she is taking acting classes. Dizon has stated that she would like to return to Japan for work in the future.[30][31][32]
I wish I remember who I made that bet with and how much money I bet, because it was soooo obvious, like lightening hitting a huge tree, that her career was over. First of all, when media asks your finance whats the best part that he loves about you, and he says, "Your Ass," that's a big sign that he probably doesn't give a shit about you. And too bad it was bad management from whomever was managing her (I'm assuming her parents, because if you look at how they let her wildly do so many car shows and wear such revealing clothes at a young age) they probably didn't steer her in the right direction or give her a good teaching on values.
No matter what, anyone with half a brain could have seen that it was over. First off.... it's hard for talented Japanese people in Japan to even break through the industry. BoA is super talented and as a Korean, it's still hard for her to maintain her popularity. And she's a superb dancer, an above average singer, quite pretty, and very charismatic. And fluent in Japanese. So.... if it's hard for her... how hard is it going to be for a 22 year old, non-Japanese, intermediate Japanese speaker with hoey pictures to make it in Japan? Her popularity in Japan would have been at most 3-4 years before people got tired of her -- she just doesn't have much to offer besides her looks. And, she does not age well. Perhaps it's the white part of her, but in some pictures you can already see her aging at 22.
So I guess in the end, it doesn't matter what she could have done to save her career because it was basically just a good 15 minutes of fame. Had she aborted the child, she could have stayed in Japan awhile longer, got better at Japanese, and made another album. But then she would have still aged, her voice wouldn't have gotten that much better, and she wouldn't have enough of an understanding of Japan, Japanese people, Japanese culture, or have a good enough command of Japanese for her to even be a sub-host on a variety show. I guess it's a dead end, one just would have probably made her more money. The uphill battle in the end is way too steep for her since she's only mildly talented, with 75% of her luck being her appearance.
Well that's all I have to say about that. Mostly... I called it.
Leah Dizon Pregnant
Edit: Okay, I have to add a picture of her ex-husband. Not hot at all, right? (he's the guy on the right with the hat, supposedly he looks like "Johnny Depp."). He also used to work with BoA, and there were pictures taken of BoA "kissing" a long haired guy, supposedly one of her stylists, but nothing ever happened after that. I hope it wasn't him.
I have to admit that this dude has seriously got some good style. BoA's always showed up in awesome style everywhere she goes, and Leah's got some great outfits in her videos. This outfit has got to be hands down my favorite: Check it out at 1:25 into the video. Seriously one of my favorite outfits, EVER.
I have to admit that this dude has seriously got some good style. BoA's always showed up in awesome style everywhere she goes, and Leah's got some great outfits in her videos. This outfit has got to be hands down my favorite: Check it out at 1:25 into the video. Seriously one of my favorite outfits, EVER.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
XI'AN
I wrote a post about my recent trip to Xi'an and the window closed without me being able to finish posting.
So I'm not going to rewrite everything.
I will summarize everything I said with 1 video and a sentence.
WU ZE TIAN is AWESOME. This is a total FOB drama but I LOVED it as a child. Plus the song is awesome and I will sing it at Cashbox!! (with my parents because they watched this over and over when I was a kid). lol.
Okay, maybe a few more words.
I used to watch movies and documentaries about her all the time as a kid. I'm fascinated by her. She was the first woman to break the glass cieling for women and was the first feminist in China. She tried to empower women by giving them more credit for the things that they accomplished, and balanced the noble classes by forcing everyone to take an exam before being qualified to be placed in an official position -- which gave chances to the poor but intelligent and hard working. She was no more "evil" than any other male Emperor, but was ostracized in history only because she was a woman. There are hundreds of evil Emperors and Eunuchs that did much much more horrible things. Additionally, she killed no more innocent people than the Qin Shi Huang Di, the first Emperor of China.
Anyways, she's amazing. I wish I could get every piece of literature about her history and her life.
So I'm not going to rewrite everything.
I will summarize everything I said with 1 video and a sentence.
WU ZE TIAN is AWESOME. This is a total FOB drama but I LOVED it as a child. Plus the song is awesome and I will sing it at Cashbox!! (with my parents because they watched this over and over when I was a kid). lol.
Okay, maybe a few more words.
I used to watch movies and documentaries about her all the time as a kid. I'm fascinated by her. She was the first woman to break the glass cieling for women and was the first feminist in China. She tried to empower women by giving them more credit for the things that they accomplished, and balanced the noble classes by forcing everyone to take an exam before being qualified to be placed in an official position -- which gave chances to the poor but intelligent and hard working. She was no more "evil" than any other male Emperor, but was ostracized in history only because she was a woman. There are hundreds of evil Emperors and Eunuchs that did much much more horrible things. Additionally, she killed no more innocent people than the Qin Shi Huang Di, the first Emperor of China.
Anyways, she's amazing. I wish I could get every piece of literature about her history and her life.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Two ships passing in the night
Communication seriously takes so much effort! At home, at work,everything takes sooo much effort. When i get home lately, i just end up silent watching random videos on youtube. sigh.
The time to start is now
and i can show you how
come with me and ill let you see
a bigger the world than before
The time to start is now
and i can show you how
come with me and ill let you see
a bigger the world than before
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
All the Small Things
Cherish what you have.
Cherish your time with the ones you love.
Any moments, big or small, that you can share with them should be precious.
Do not overlook or forget the fact that you are already luckier than most of those in this world, who are starving, dying, or suffering.
We tend to forget how important all the small things are.
Cherish your time with the ones you love.
Any moments, big or small, that you can share with them should be precious.
Do not overlook or forget the fact that you are already luckier than most of those in this world, who are starving, dying, or suffering.
We tend to forget how important all the small things are.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
This WORKS!
I have used this for 6 months. It works every time. And I must say, besides L'Occitane products, and some Origins products, I have never had a product work this quickly... I mean, instantly, after I washed it off.
Problem is, now that I've run out, I'm going to have to wait till I go back to the airport to buy some more. This stuff ain't cheap!
Pretty amazing and totally worth the money.
Calm Down!
Finalllllllly. Wow what a roller coaster ride these last 3 months have been! My stress levels have really been put to the test. I realized that I spend a lot of time just observing during the day. Usually people get off work earlier in the US (since there are laws for OT), but here, we don't. So I spent a lot more time at work, and a lot more time being silent about work since not many people even know what kind of work I do, and explaining it makes me tired.
So there's a lot of stress that I keep inside. I've started running even though I hate running. I eat more fruits and vegetables. I go to bed earlier, I wake up earlier. I'm hoping this change in my life will keep me on some sort of healthier cycle so I can better cope with the everyday stress. So far, it seems okay.
Trips to Xian and the other places I mentioned haven't materialized yet. But I will make it happen soon.
I'm excited.
So there's a lot of stress that I keep inside. I've started running even though I hate running. I eat more fruits and vegetables. I go to bed earlier, I wake up earlier. I'm hoping this change in my life will keep me on some sort of healthier cycle so I can better cope with the everyday stress. So far, it seems okay.
Trips to Xian and the other places I mentioned haven't materialized yet. But I will make it happen soon.
I'm excited.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
What do you want?
I need to do some soul searching. I feel like in China, I have to do this every few years to make sure I'm going down the track that I want to go down. Why is everything so distracting, in China? I don't think it's really China. I think it's just Shanghai. There are beautiful places all over China where you can just sit down, enjoy the fresh air, and enjoy the beauty that nature offers you. But in Shanghai, you can't. So most people start looking for distractions to keep them from thinking about the inevitable. It's a way to escape. I think people do this in any highly populated city that has very little nature. New York, probably, as well. But Shanghai has very, very little nature. It might even be seen as oppressive.
So I think I need a refreshing look on my life, I think I need to head out somewhere and explore what I really want. I want to come back feeling like I still have a goal, like I've been reborn.
Yunnan, Shangrila, Chengdu, Xian, Terracotta Warriors, even the fake Shaolin Temple... I want to see everything. I want to finish what I initially came to China for, what I have been wanting to do and see since I was a kid. I want to see the greatness that I believe is China. I want to leave all the turmoil behind, I want to leave all the uncertainty at it's origin and be free from all its drama.
So I think I need a refreshing look on my life, I think I need to head out somewhere and explore what I really want. I want to come back feeling like I still have a goal, like I've been reborn.
Yunnan, Shangrila, Chengdu, Xian, Terracotta Warriors, even the fake Shaolin Temple... I want to see everything. I want to finish what I initially came to China for, what I have been wanting to do and see since I was a kid. I want to see the greatness that I believe is China. I want to leave all the turmoil behind, I want to leave all the uncertainty at it's origin and be free from all its drama.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Cold and Patient
I'm trying to be patient. I am by nature, very impatient and very eager to know the result of anything, and I like to get things done. That's why when things don't fall under my control, I get antsy, anxious, and nervous. I think it takes a toll on my health.
Note to self: Stop giving a shit.
I think that's a good mantra for me to have, and to practice. There are so many things to take care of everyday, you can only do so much... and when things aren't under your control .... maybe it's good to just stop caring. Find another way around it.
I like to plan everything. I need to try to accept that not everything can fall under my timelines. Unfortunately, this works best when other people have the same mentality. But most don't, which is why it's such a hard mantra to practice.
Patience, Acceptance, Go with the flow.
Note to self: Stop giving a shit.
I think that's a good mantra for me to have, and to practice. There are so many things to take care of everyday, you can only do so much... and when things aren't under your control .... maybe it's good to just stop caring. Find another way around it.
I like to plan everything. I need to try to accept that not everything can fall under my timelines. Unfortunately, this works best when other people have the same mentality. But most don't, which is why it's such a hard mantra to practice.
Patience, Acceptance, Go with the flow.
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