Sometimes

You can think and think about something but there will be no answer.  Then you can just follow your heart.  My heart is telling me something very strong.  My brain will have to figure out if she buys in to it.

I went to Taipei again this past week. I needed a breather from packing and paperwork in China. I needed a break from my relocation.  There is just so many things to do, I can't even begin to list it.  So many things to track, as well. It's really overwhelming to do it all yourself.  My mom wanted to know if I needed her help. But since I'm so busy, I think I should do it myself since I won't be able to talk to her or see her much with all the running around that is required.

My new life is about to begin.  It's terrifying, and it's exciting at the same time. I've been away for so long.  I hope I can take all the changes.

Trust

When you've lost something so important, how do you find it again?  Trusting someone, whether it be your friends, your parents, your siblings, your loved ones... is a kind of love, a kind of vulnerability that you pass on to someone else. It's like putting your heart in their hands, because you trust them.  There's different degrees of this, of course, but once you start trusting them a little, it's easier to give them more and more of your trust.

So when there is no trust left, how do you attempt to even start trusting that person again? When they've lied to your face time and time again?  How do you know it's sincere, and not just words?  And how do you know those actions aren't just actions out of guilt, but really out of regret, and is really an attempt to make things right?

How do you know that it's sincere?  It makes me sick, to be honest.

Humans make me sick.

A few weeks left

Went to dinner with Rie tonight.  I haven't seen her for a long time.  She's such a nice person.  I wish I spent more time with her -- but with her work schedule and my work location it was virtually impossible.  She took a job that required her to travel to Suzhou at least 1x a week so she's always on a train when I'm free for dinner.

We talked for about four hours today, and finally caught up on everything. I don't know what it is, but when a person cries for you -- it's still kind of shocking.  I saw her eyes redden and her tears well up and I thought, "Wow... we don't see each other much but she really cares for me."  I have always had some super awesome Japanese friends.  Even my Japanese friends in Tokyo -- I may not see them for 1-2 years but when I do, they always have these little goodie bags of things they know I like. Seiko always buys me chocolate or something green.  Emi always gives me a postcard of some temple or some picture of something I like. Ide always makes time for me, no matter what.  Jun and MoriMori always come see me and hang out no matter how busy they are.  It's this Japanese loyalty and action of friendship that I've always treasured and kept so close to my heart. It makes me want to give the world to them.  Because the world is too cold these days and it needs all the love it can get.  When my friends show me love like that it makes me think the world is such a wonderful place, that people could be so selfless.  It makes me always buy them little gifts that I know they love from Shanghai as well. It's not how big or expensive it is, it's the thought that counts.  And it's what knowing what will please them, that counts.

Once Seiko got me a little Lilo and Stitch keychain. She told me that she always felt she was Lilo and that I was Stitch.  She said I'm a crazy anime character but I always make her so happy.

Man, I miss my friends. I wish I could be around them all the time, everyday.
I think one of my greatest assets, or one of my luckiest things in life is that I really meet some super awesome people.

Beyonce is Amazing

I never really understood what she meant by this song until recently. 
And now I do.  Too close to home, Beyonce.





If I Were A Boy lyrics


Songwriters: Carlson, Britney; Gad, Toby; Knowles, Beyonce;



If I were a boy even just for a day

I'd roll out of bed in the morning

And throw on what I wanted

And go drink beer with the guys



And chase after girls

I'd kick it with who I wanted

And I'd never get confronted for it

'Cause they stick up for me



If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man



I'd listen to her

'Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

'Cause he's taking you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed



If I were a boy

I would turn off my phone

Tell everyone it's broken

So they'd think that I was sleeping alone



I'd put myself first

And make the rules as I go

'Cause I know that she'd be faithful

Waiting for me to come home, to come home


If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man



I'd listen to her

'Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

'Cause he's taking you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed



It's a little too late for you to come back

Say it's just a mistake

Think I'd forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

You thought wrong



But you're just a boy

You don't understand

And you don't understand, oh

How it feels to love a girl

Someday you wish you were a better man



You don't listen to her

You don't care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

'Cause you're taking her for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy