Packed up and ready to go?

The movers came yesterday and helped me box everything up.  Xiao Mei and I have been working on categorizing everything several days before so it'd be easier for the movers to pack.  I've always known I keep a lot of sentimental crap and this time I really tried hard to throw things away but alas... it was easier to say, "Yeah, just ship that...."

Either way, I found a lot of old pictures, letters, XMAS cards, NY cards, and some gifts. Not sure what to do with those. Sometimes you find old things that used to be so so important to you -- and then one day you find them again and you think, "Ah, well.  These have become bad memories."  I'm not sure if I should keep the good or chuck it with the bad.  It's hard to think that they are important still, especially when the person who gave it to you showed you they weren't important anymore.  I guess with all material things it really is up to the person, isn't it.  It was only important when it was important to both of you.  I also found a bunch of XMAS cards from my cousins. They all sent me cards the first year I was living here, thinking I'd be back. After that, I moved around so much they stopped sending them because they couldn't keep track.  haha. Well, that's about to change soon since I'm going home.

I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like after all of this.  I don't even know where I'm going to sleep the first night since I have no bed.  I guess I'm going to have to borrow a sleeping bag from someone ... also buy a bed ASAP and some pillows.  Wow.

Thinking about this -- it's so crazy.  I shipped all my boxes (15) and now my apartment is pretty much empty.
All I will have left when I land in the US is 2 suitcases and my laptop.  I won't even have a chair in my new bedroom.

What you really only ever have is just yourself.

Life is so crazy.

Taking things for granted

I've learned many hard lessons about taking things for granted so I don't plan to do that anymore, as much as I can help it.  Some things, some people, are in your life for years and years, and you become used to them to assume that they'll be there all the time.

I don't even want to take my Ayi for granted.

Ayi: Are you really leaving?
Me: Yes... I'm sorry but this time it's for real.
Ayi: Ah....
Me: How old is your son now?
Ayi: 16.
Me: Wow... when I met you, he was what, 9?
Ayi: He was 6 or 7!
Me: ....! Really?
Ayi: Yes.... I've been with you for 10 years, Miss.

Oh, I'll miss her. I wonder things like -- how is her life going to be? Will she find a new family to work for that will treat her well?  I've thought about hiring different Ayi's before, because sometimes my Ayi will get a little lazy.  There was a period of time where she didn't come and didn't want to tell me, because she was afraid I'd be mad.  And there was a few months where she was out of it and not doing her job very well.

But I've always given her chances.  She's a good person.  I know other Ayi's may clean better or be more detailed oriented, but she was always good to me.  She really cared for me and looked after me.  She was always helpful when I was sick.  I'm glad I never doubted her and hired someone else.   I'm going to miss her a lot.  Mostly because we are friends.

I love you all!! You know who you are.

Laugh at stupid jokes. Cry. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Live life, because tomorrow's not guaranteed to anyone.

真的不懂

我有时候真的不懂男人在想什么。 我也真的不懂为什么他们重是喜欢去追。追追追让后追到了以后，你对他好了以后，他又变的冷漠莫的。 女人的命真苦。我们永远是被追，让后把心给他了以后他又不要了。 我们是做了什么东西去让我们的命这么痛苦啊？ 我搞不懂。

爱也好麻烦。如果我可以控制的话，我会选这一辈子一个人可以过得高高兴兴的，再也不要去爱，在也不要一下幸福，一下伤心。如果我可以的话，我希望我可以就爱我自己，要生孩子的话可以自己生，希望在我脑经里面可以完全把爱这个概念全部灭掉，不知道爱是什么，不需要爱去活得快乐。

我已经不知道我该这么办才好。我就只能慢慢想，慢慢一天一天的过。不管我多么的有耐心，不管我多么的有去爱一个人，我的耐心，我的爱，我能给的东西都有限制的。 如果我的爱是被别人拿去玩的，不是珍惜的，我不会让我自己一直被这样的伤害。

这就是我今天的伤心。为什么我会让别人这样的对付我？

It's all in your head

I am doing the work of about 5 people.  Those 5 people don't need to do as much work because I do it all for them.  I'm tired.

I was talking to a friend today, and he told me that when you miss work, somehow it will fix itself.  But when you miss things with your family for work, you will never get that time back.

That is so true. And it scares me so much I'm speechless.

For all these years, I've been looking ahead to what I want to create, what I want to accomplish, what I want to stand for.  But I've always forgotten to look back.

I can't wait to start my change.  I just need a few more tiny things to come together and I'll finally have righted so many wrongs I've done.