痛い。

心が痛くて、眠れない。
私を愛してる人は私の事を信じてくれない。


何で？　私は悪いもの何もしてないのに。

付き合った時、私はがんばって良い彼女になりたいと思った。
メールでも、電話でも、SMSでも、彼が望んだ事私できれば全部あげました。

でも何で？

何で私は悪いこと何もやってないのに私のせいにするの？

強くなれ。　我慢して。　

彼は分かってくれる。　話せば分かってくれる。　絶対に。。。


彼が怒る時私の心は痛い。　眠れない。　食べれない。　仕事できない。


何時までこの苦しみが残るの。。。。

私は本当に強い何の？　自分には嘘つけてるかも知れない。

でも彼のこと本当に愛してるから。。。

私は強い人でわない。　力がないまで頑張る。。。怖いのは。。。最近もっともっと疲れてる。

Wow that's kind of unfair

Who gets to have their cake and eat it too?

Certainly not I.

When you think of what women have to go through, unfair pay, getting pregnant (which ruins the body, causes 9 months of pain and possibly death), and having to work through glass ceilings in their career you think... wow it must suck to have to be born a woman.

And especially in long distance relationships, in the movies we always see women having to move to be near their men.  Or, their men either cheats on them, finds another woman, or they break up.  Why do men get to be so lucky? Why does there have to be a timeline?  A deadline for supposed true "love?"  When was the last time you actually heard that a man moved to be near his woman? Oh right... in Good Will Hunting, where he says, "Sorry. I have to go see about a girl."

Yeah, right, in another movie.

It's always the women who have to sacrifice everything for a man.  We quit our jobs, move countries, have no income, depend on the men, become depressed and emo and then the man finds another woman and tells us, "You're so depressing. You're just not right for me."  If it's supposed to be true love and you really love a person, shouldn't there be no timeline? No deadline?  You would be able to wait?  If you think about how some women move to Shanghai to be with their expat husbands, all they do everyday is stay at home with the kids.  They're unhappy, they can't find jobs, and they just watch as their husbands cheat on them because now they're stuck here and they've already made the decision to move to where their men are.  It's a horrible cycle.

What allows the men to benefit off this? What do the women benefit?  They get pregnant, their form is ruined, they have been out of a career for a year, when they apply for another job its "Why did you move here?" "To be with my husband."  How does that sound good to anyone?

WHY does there always have to be a deadline? If you love someone shouldn't you be able to wait for them? Why are men so selfish? Don't they realize that the woman has to give up everything she stands for?  Everything that she represents?  Why isn't anything ever enough?  They need to stop writing movie scripts like this.  It just pisses me off.

Huh...?

I have tried so hard.  And it doesn't seem like it's enough. What does it take to be understood?  Of course I want things to be simple and happy.  But life isn't that easy.  I take it in stride, I make the best of what I have, and I keep positive thoughts that it's just a matter of time, and if I can pull through it then it will all be waiting for me when things come together.  When I decide on something or put my mind to it, I work towards it like there's no tomorrow. I don't go back and doubt if its the right path, if it's going to work out, if it's too hard. I just do it. 

I've always thought that if you wanted something, if you loved someone, you would just do it for that person.  But I never thought of what happens when you're the only one that doesn't have doubts.  Maybe it's just easier for me.  Even when I was little, when I decided on something and made that as a goal, I reached it, sooner or later, because I'm not a person to give up.   It doesn't help when the other person is judgmental and doubtful.  I try to keep my dreams alive with hope, and also with reality.  But because I believe in something, reality isn't something that destroys what I'm hoping for. 

I just want us both to stand on the same side and fight for the same thing.  It's hard for me to do this alone, and it's hard for me to do it when I feel I'm always misunderstood. 

Weddings and Instant Gratification

Weddings are pretty awesome.  If they’re your close friends or family.  Sometimes people I don’t know really well invite me to their weddings.  Why? What makes you think I care who you’re marrying?  Then I realized they don’t, because they just want the gift and the money.

This is why I almost never go to Chinese weddings.  Lots of former coworkers or other people I’ve worked with invite me to their weddings… but I really believe that a wedding should be an intimate thing.  A thing where it’s like, “I know you’ll be happy for me because you care about me and want to see me happy with another person.”  Half the time I get these wedding invitations from people I don’t even really talk to and people look at me aghast when I say, “Uh yeah, I can’t go.”   Weddings are expensive and time consuming, man. I’m not about to give out hundreds of dollars to people who I probably really don’t care about, or will remember in 5 years.

Meh.

Okay so I’ve been finally watching Prison Break. This is because on the plane flight back, the entire season was an option so I watched the first 2 episodes.  The reason why I didn’t want to watch it before was because I didn’t think there were many hot guys on it. I thought Wentworth Miller was hot… but was he hot enough for me to watch an entire series? I had my doubt so I never bought the series. However. 

On the plane, I was completely SMITTEN by him!! Ok you know what it is? It’s his eyes. They brood.  And his eyes are green.  My entire life I’ve had a thing for guys with green eyes. My first love huge crush when I was 5 had green eyes.  Joshua.  Then my middle school crush (another Josh) also had green eyes.  Then my high school crush also had green eyes (Brian).   Most of my TV celeb crushes also have green eyes. I just have a THING for green eyes.

So I bought the entire 4 seasons of Prison Break and I feel like I’m in a prison watching Prison Break, because I cannot move until I finished the entire series.  I’m on Season 3.  There is just something about the way Wentworth Miller broods that drives me insane. Woo hoo! Another mini project to do. Watch Prison Break and google every piece of information on it until I’m bored.

I love instant gratification.

Everything I want,  I must have it now.  That’s because I have a plan and my plan needs to move forward.  Everything is a little cog in my overall plan that I need to make sure moves in my preferred direction.  Being a control freak ain’t so bad…. You could be messy and disorganized, directionless and lost…… no thanks.

HOT.

I know what you all think. There are 15 year old girls in love with him so I shouldn't be in love with him!! But he is totally hot. HOT. He has the most perfect jawline, and the hugest expressive eyes, not to mention his hair is beautifully blond, just the way I like it. PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Send brooders and emo men my way, ladies.

Just in case you need more persuasion that he's beautiful, I'm posting a pic.




















Oh, do you need another picture? Okay.




















超帅的。OMG。

还有几个小时就下班了！！