Trust

When you've lost something so important, how do you find it again?  Trusting someone, whether it be your friends, your parents, your siblings, your loved ones... is a kind of love, a kind of vulnerability that you pass on to someone else. It's like putting your heart in their hands, because you trust them.  There's different degrees of this, of course, but once you start trusting them a little, it's easier to give them more and more of your trust.

So when there is no trust left, how do you attempt to even start trusting that person again? When they've lied to your face time and time again?  How do you know it's sincere, and not just words?  And how do you know those actions aren't just actions out of guilt, but really out of regret, and is really an attempt to make things right?

How do you know that it's sincere?  It makes me sick, to be honest.

Humans make me sick.

Packed up and ready to go?

The movers came yesterday and helped me box everything up.  Xiao Mei and I have been working on categorizing everything several days before so it'd be easier for the movers to pack.  I've always known I keep a lot of sentimental crap and this time I really tried hard to throw things away but alas... it was easier to say, "Yeah, just ship that...."

Either way, I found a lot of old pictures, letters, XMAS cards, NY cards, and some gifts. Not sure what to do with those. Sometimes you find old things that used to be so so important to you -- and then one day you find them again and you think, "Ah, well.  These have become bad memories."  I'm not sure if I should keep the good or chuck it with the bad.  It's hard to think that they are important still, especially when the person who gave it to you showed you they weren't important anymore.  I guess with all material things it really is up to the person, isn't it.  It was only important when it was important to both of you.  I also found a bunch of XMAS cards from my cousins. They all sent me cards the first year I was living here, thinking I'd be back. After that, I moved around so much they stopped sending them because they couldn't keep track.  haha. Well, that's about to change soon since I'm going home.

I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like after all of this.  I don't even know where I'm going to sleep the first night since I have no bed.  I guess I'm going to have to borrow a sleeping bag from someone ... also buy a bed ASAP and some pillows.  Wow.

Thinking about this -- it's so crazy.  I shipped all my boxes (15) and now my apartment is pretty much empty.
All I will have left when I land in the US is 2 suitcases and my laptop.  I won't even have a chair in my new bedroom.

What you really only ever have is just yourself.

Life is so crazy.

Taking things for granted

I've learned many hard lessons about taking things for granted so I don't plan to do that anymore, as much as I can help it.  Some things, some people, are in your life for years and years, and you become used to them to assume that they'll be there all the time.

I don't even want to take my Ayi for granted.

Ayi: Are you really leaving?
Me: Yes... I'm sorry but this time it's for real.
Ayi: Ah....
Me: How old is your son now?
Ayi: 16.
Me: Wow... when I met you, he was what, 9?
Ayi: He was 6 or 7!
Me: ....! Really?
Ayi: Yes.... I've been with you for 10 years, Miss.

Oh, I'll miss her. I wonder things like -- how is her life going to be? Will she find a new family to work for that will treat her well?  I've thought about hiring different Ayi's before, because sometimes my Ayi will get a little lazy.  There was a period of time where she didn't come and didn't want to tell me, because she was afraid I'd be mad.  And there was a few months where she was out of it and not doing her job very well.

But I've always given her chances.  She's a good person.  I know other Ayi's may clean better or be more detailed oriented, but she was always good to me.  She really cared for me and looked after me.  She was always helpful when I was sick.  I'm glad I never doubted her and hired someone else.   I'm going to miss her a lot.  Mostly because we are friends.

A few weeks left

Went to dinner with Rie tonight.  I haven't seen her for a long time.  She's such a nice person.  I wish I spent more time with her -- but with her work schedule and my work location it was virtually impossible.  She took a job that required her to travel to Suzhou at least 1x a week so she's always on a train when I'm free for dinner.

We talked for about four hours today, and finally caught up on everything. I don't know what it is, but when a person cries for you -- it's still kind of shocking.  I saw her eyes redden and her tears well up and I thought, "Wow... we don't see each other much but she really cares for me."  I have always had some super awesome Japanese friends.  Even my Japanese friends in Tokyo -- I may not see them for 1-2 years but when I do, they always have these little goodie bags of things they know I like. Seiko always buys me chocolate or something green.  Emi always gives me a postcard of some temple or some picture of something I like. Ide always makes time for me, no matter what.  Jun and MoriMori always come see me and hang out no matter how busy they are.  It's this Japanese loyalty and action of friendship that I've always treasured and kept so close to my heart. It makes me want to give the world to them.  Because the world is too cold these days and it needs all the love it can get.  When my friends show me love like that it makes me think the world is such a wonderful place, that people could be so selfless.  It makes me always buy them little gifts that I know they love from Shanghai as well. It's not how big or expensive it is, it's the thought that counts.  And it's what knowing what will please them, that counts.

Once Seiko got me a little Lilo and Stitch keychain. She told me that she always felt she was Lilo and that I was Stitch.  She said I'm a crazy anime character but I always make her so happy.

Man, I miss my friends. I wish I could be around them all the time, everyday.
I think one of my greatest assets, or one of my luckiest things in life is that I really meet some super awesome people.