Fix your Shizz. Nao.

It's been a long time since I've ranted. But I have a good reason to rant today.

Trying to watch movies here is really a hassle.

It’s just so damn annoying to ask them to get one little detail right.

So I’ve been wanting to watch Inception for MONTHs. I had heard so many good things about it, but I haven’t had time to watch it, and it also took months to even get here. Additionally, finally, it was uncensored (because how can you censor something you can’t understand, lol silly rabbits).

So I finally convince a girlfriend of mine to go watch the movie before it goes out of the theatres.  And we get there, pay our money, and sit down.

When the movie starts, the bass is so loud, the audio is unintelligible.  I had to resort to reading the subtitles to try and understand what was going on, and within 10 minutes, I was getting more and more pissed off.   What I had heard was that you need to watch every minute of movie or just end up being confused throughout the rest of it. 10 minutes in I had no idea what was going on and so I figured, okay, I’m going to do something about this. This is not okay. They are not getting away with this.  And so, here is what happened, and how effing STOOPID these people are.

Me: Why is the audio so low?

Staff: The audio isn’t low.

Me: Yes, it is. Go listen to it yourself.

Staff: Let me get the manager.

Manager: This is how the audio is intended.

Me: Are you kidding?

Manager: No, this is how we got the film.

Me: You got the film with the audio NOT working?

Manager: All of the movie theatres in this country got the same film.

Me: So all of the movie theatres in the country have their bass turned up in an attempt to make the audio audible?

Manager: ...this is how the film was intended.

Me: So basically you’re lying to my face right now.

Manager: I’m not lying. This is how the film is.

Me: In the entire country?

Manager: Yes, the entire country.

*explodes*

Me: Okay, let me tell you something, you half-wit, THIS is not how the audio is supposed to be. Are you telling me that all audio is supposed to be so low that you have to READ the subtitles to understand what they are saying? And are you telling me that you did not turn up the bass to ridiculous proportions to try and make up for the audio being low? Are you telling me that you purposely turned up the bass SO LOUD that the audience can hear the speakers CRACKING and shaking because its TOO LOUD, and you’re hoping no one is smart enough to notice? Are you telling me that you are UN-AWARE that one of the speakers in this theatre is broken, which is WHY you turned it up this loud, so that you don’t have to close one of the theatres for repair, so that you can STILL MAKE MONEY off of unsuspecting movie-goers? Tell me that is not your effing excuse, right now. TELL ME TO MY FACE, right now, you damned liar.

Manager: I’m not lying, no one else is complaining.

Me: BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID. I’ll tell you something else.  Either you 1) refund my money or 2) fix the damned speaker.  And if you decide to refund MY money, you will have to refund everyone else’s money in the audience. Because you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go right up to the front of the theatre, and I’m going to tell them that you are ripping them off of their money, because the theatre speakers are broken, and you are hoping they don’t notice so you can still sell tickets.  Then tomorrow, I’m going to write a review of your SHIT-TASTIC theatre, and post it everywhere on the internet, and also submitting it to magazines, about WHAT A RIP OFF your theatre is pulling, and I’m going to tell everyone to bring back their ticket stubs and get a FULL REFUND for your EFFING scam.  Got that? Now tell me, which option are you going to pick.

Manager: You can’t do that!

Me: Why not?

Manager: That’s over the line.

Me: Oh? So you ripping off my money, and everyone else’s money, ISN’T over the line?  You lying to us to make money, ISN’T stepping over the line?

Manager: You can’t write that review.

Me: Yeah? So I’ll tell you how you can get me not to write that review. I want you to go upstairs and FIX the DAMNED SPEAKER. Right this effing instant. Get your ass in that little box, and FIX. YOUR. SHIT.  The movie has been going on for 25 minutes now, and within the next 5 minutes, I want BOTH speakers working. I WANT IT TO BE HOW THE MOVIE WAS INTENDED.  And if you don’t fix it within 5 minutes, you better start looking for another job tomorrow.   Get the hell out of my face.

*I sit down, and in the next 5 minutes, the speakers crack a few times, and then wah-la! The audio is doubled, the speaker is fixed.*

Audience: Oh! The speaker was broken! That’s why the sound was so low!

That stupid fking monkey.